Lesson 9 Testimonies and The Power Of The Cross!

"Depression makes sure it is felt, seen, heard, smelled, tasted. Depression doesn't stay an acquaintance. It fights to make its presence known. It is felt in blows to the head and cuts to the wrists. It is seen in everyday tasks left undone. It is heard in loud cries and sad music. It is smelled in dirty clothes and burnt suicidal letters and tasted in binge foods, and pills.

Depression is not passive;it is assertive, forceful, and pushy. It whispers into your ear in convincing and manipulative ways. It holds your hand down the street while you cross with your eyes closed. It shows you the way to an abandoned building and while you're there hands you a piece of broken glass to relieve your pain. It tells you to hang up on the suicide hotline to prevent them from judging you.

Depression pretends to be your friend. It tells you to stay in bed and rest, but it says the same thing every morning. It tells you to turn your phone off after you send a suicidal text message. It tells you to hide in closets, cars, and public restrooms while everyone else is having fun at a party because it isn't safe out there. It tells you to walk out of class and church service. It tells you to treat yourself but says the same thing when you have $10 left for the week.

In 2017, I cut and harmed myself again. I wrote suicidal letters, went to two different counselors, and took antidepressants. I also had terrible eating habits; I was either not eating or always eating. Depression took over most of my year. It made me lonely, angry, joyless, fearful, and insecure. Prevented attachment and built walls.

Depression was and is stubborn, strong, and clingy, but it wasn't and isn't indestructible.

During my first week as a college student, I decided to make Jesus Lord of my life. But depression has been a part of my life since I was a kid. So when I felt feelings of despair, I would beat myself up for not understanding Paul's command to "Be joyful always."

When was God going to restore the joy of my salvation? Why was my soul downcast? If Jesus came to bring me joy and asked me to remain in Him to make my joy complete, why wasn't I joyful? Maybe I wasn't truly a disciple? But I was holding on to his teachings. Even if I couldn't muster the strength to read, I would listen to the Bible. I would pray all day long. I was opening up; I was even getting professional help. Why was I so miserable?

I notice it now, but I didn't then; I was so self-focused. All of the above questions revolve around me. As if my happiness and my joy were what this world is about, but it wasn't, it isn't, and it will never be about me.

God places us in the times and places we need to be so that we will seek Him. He placed me in a church that is devoted to God and each other, and I am so grateful. When I step back and take my eyes off of myself, I see everything God was doing and keeps doing to heal me.

I recall how one of the ladies at church came up to me and said she had noticed that I hadn't been myself lately, and she knew something that could help me. We didn't get to talk then, but a couple of weeks later she showed me Isaiah 61 and explained how a course at Setting Captives Free had helped her with her purity when she was in college.

I thought it would not help because it was just a website. What could I possibly learn that I already don't know? Be still? Encourage others? Pray more? Read more? Know Satan's lies? I thought I was doing everything already, but I decided to give it a try.

I signed up for the course and asked to have a mentor, and the first time I read her feedback and how she was praying for me, I bawled. God put more people to fight with me. People that understand and have overcome!! New hope!!

I quickly realized that the course was all about going back to the cross where Jesus defeated sin, insecurity, loneliness, shame, guilt, depression, and all evil, where he disarmed Satan, where he switched His fine garments with my filthy clothes, where he took my place so that I would no longer have to be a prisoner captive of her sin, depression, and anxiety.

Many of the Scriptures I read I had already read. I had looked at the cross before; I thought I already knew that story, but that was the point. I was looking at it like an old movie that I had watched millions of times. I thought the cross had nothing new to offer. But, oh, I was so wrong!

The cross is the center of Christianity. Without the cross, there would be no hope. The whole Bible revolves around Jesus and the cross. It was the ultimate sacrifice. It was the answer to everything, including depression.

There were many days where the lessons were too much for me because it meant that I had to look at the cross. I didn't want to look at the pain I put Jesus through! I was surprised every time I had doubts or questions, and when I would finally decide to do the next lesson, God's word would calm my anxious heart.

I learned to look at everything through the eyes of Jesus and the cross.

This journey was hard. I had to surrender daily. And I learned that I will always have to do that. To wake up and look at the snake that was conquered and killed, now on a pole, defeated. To look at my defeated sin, to look at Jesus becoming my sin so that I could be made righteous. Jesus took it all. He became my sin. And so now my sin is gone. He rose, and now he lives in me.

The cross taught me that it is never about me. That when I take my eyes off of the cross, off of Jesus and what he already finished, it gets depressing. If I look at the snake that bites, I cannot be healed. But if I run to the pole and look up, it heals me. It is ugly. It is painful. It is healing. It is hope. The cross is where I get a new life free of depression. One where the focus is on HIM, where there is joy in what he has accomplished, where sin no longer rules, where there is freedom, where there is Jesus."