I grew up in a Catholic home, but Christ was not present in our lives. My exposure to pornography started when I was around ten years old, and I became marked by those images in the magazines my father had hidden. My parents divorced when I was twelve and this distorted my understanding of a family and love. It wasn't until I turned 14 that I had my first experience with self-gratification but that event led to a 26-year enslavement.
Yes, it sounds horrible to say it, but I watched pornography first thing in the morning, sometimes during the day, and often before going to bed. Even as a teenager I was pursuing women as sex objects, designed to provide me with pleasure. I was in fornication with every girlfriend I had, and I used to live immersed in the world, not even thinking for a moment of Jesus and how this sin would affect my life and the lives of others.
I got married to the girl I loved thinking that it was going to be the end of my bondage to sexual impurity. She became a Christ follower after we were married which brought new challenges. When she caught me watching pornography she became angry. She warned me about the consequences of my sin, but I had already permitted the devil to blind my eyes and close my ears to her pleas.
A year after my marriage, an old friend invited me to her house, and I committed adultery. Even as a non-believer, I felt conviction and remorse but kept everything hidden. That incident remained in the darkness and increased the bondage to sexual impurity and deceit that held me. I couldn't even go more than 10 days without watching pornography or self-gratifying. The worst part of that was the feeling of inadequacy in front of the Lord, but I still thought of it as something "all men do".
I did try to change. I got baptized and even started to play in the worship band in my local church, but sadly, my dark secret was still concealed. The deeper I went into my sexual sin, the higher my pride and rebellion became. I did not worship God with my heart; I was just putting on a performance. Sooner or later the desires of my flesh would overcome and all I could think of was sex, illicit sex. My thoughts finally made it through my unguarded heart, and I fell for another adultery opportunity; but this time it was not a single encounter, I had an almost 18-month relationship with this woman at work who was also married.
Now, I was really enslaved by the power I gave to the devil. If pornography had a tight grip on me, this adulterous relationship suffocated me to the point of spiritual death. I was a slave of adultery, lies, fear, lack of self-control, pride, rebellion, and covetousness. The worst part is that I didn't know my condition. Once again, I tried to work my way out of sin. I played piano in the church, provided for my wife and son, and carried out the image of a great husband and father.
At the end of 2017, my wife confronted me. She knew something was not right with me; and finally, in January 2018, she discovered this woman's picture in my phone. I was caught. Recalling that moment is something that breaks my heart again and again; seeing my wife lying on the floor screaming in pain is not easily forgotten. The Lord confronted me, and my pride started to shatter.
Little by little the veil got removed from my eyes, and I started to see the damage and destruction I had caused to my wife and my son. I stopped watching pornography and self-gratifying immediately out of remorse and repentance; but that was only the first step Jesus wanted me to take: to start breaking my pride. See, for all of us who have been in impurity, there is a common denominator in our stories: pride and a heart of stone. We need to look at Jesus to understand that the Son of God came from Heaven to earth with no pride, to serve and not to be served. Once we understand this, we can allow Jesus to enter our lives to start His work in us.
I immediately got baptized -again- to show Jesus I did not want to be the same man, that I want to kill and crucify that adulterer, that rebellious, proud and wicked old me. The cross has shown me how abundant was God's mercy every time I think of the possible scenarios I could have faced: getting a sexually transmitted disease, being fired from my job, or being killed by her husband!
At the same time, I realized that I needed guidance in this process if I wanted to be free from these sinful ties, and that is when I found Setting Captives Free. The Purity course has drawn me near to the Gospel where I find deliverance. All my life I read the Bible as if the Word of God was another book, like a history book, without even realizing the power contained in the Scriptures. The Purity course has taught me how to read the Bible differently: always looking for the Gospel. Jesus has taken all our sin, curses, sickness, weakness and brokenness. He endured so much physical and spiritual pain for me that out of love; I just need to believe it and apply it to my life.
Is everything going to be problem-free? Not at all. In fact, my wife has not forgiven me, and she is pushing for a divorce. And while I want her forgiveness, I understand that God's forgiveness is more important than my wife's. At this point in my life, I surrender to Jesus, even my family.
A true transformation has begun, and it is a process that will last until He calls me home. I pray the Lord will give me faith so I can meet Jesus better and deeper every day of my life, that He can be my hiding place, my rock, and my fortress during the battles I have ahead; that He can transform me through the Holy Spirit according to God's will. The devil has tried to send me temptations, especially because we live in a world where even the news online and other legit websites are full of lustful images, but removing access to any of those things is not going to eliminate the problem. Those are only external changes and our condition requires the work of the Holy Spirit in us, transforming us and changing us from inside out. The solution is having Jesus in me, remembering His love and what He did for me, being part of His vine, remaining in Him.
Amanda writes, "I'm thankful Harold was led to Setting Captives Free. I pray that as His faith, and relationship in Jesus is restored, that his family will be as well."
Christopher writes, "This story is quite interesting, we can`t overcome sin on our own, only God can help us overcome. I realize that there are consequences to our sins. In the story of Harold, we find out that his wife is deeply hurt and at this time, she is not willing to forgive, she is contemplating divorce. However, Harold asked for forgiveness from Jesus and he knows he is forgiven. Again in this story, Harold realizes that Jesus ultimate sacrifice on the cross has a new meaning to his life, Jesus broke the chains of pornography at the cross of Calvary. 1 Corinthians 2:2 For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. 2 Corinthians 5:21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. Galatians 6:14 14 But far be it from me to boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, by which[a] the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world."