Kelly writes, "I remember from a very early age struggling with my identity and being uncomfortable with my sexuality. I found it difficult to relate to girls and felt deeply intimidated by boys. When I reached my teenage years this struggle with fitting in and intimidation turned into anxiety, fear and deep feelings of rejection as I desperately craved a female connection that was never nurtured in the mother-daughter bond.
The first time I heard the word gay I felt appalled by the notion of it. I didn't grow up in a Christian home and despite my mom having male friends that were gay, inside I knew something about it was just wrong. Yet looking back, I can see that there was a sense of curiosity about it also. It was after graduating high school and with the rise of the internet and home computers that I found a place to explore my curiosity. The first time I went into a Lesbian chat room, I was hooked. Before long I was making friends with people that identified themselves as gay and found myself for the first time fitting in and feeling accepted. I thought I had finally discovered who I was and found myself engaging in one sinful relationship after another all the while falling deeper and deeper into the grip of sin as my mind became more darkened. What started out as curiosity turned into 25 years of bondage to homosexuality as well as other sins.
Everything changed for me one morning as I was sitting in the den of the home I shared with my lesbian partner of 10 years by then. As I sat there staring aimlessly at the television I had an overwhelming feeling that everything about my life and about myself was all wrong. I felt a deep sense of emptiness and that something was dreadfully missing inside. Though I was a person that read the Bible, prayed and even taught Bible classes at the gay Church I was attending, reading the Bible now brought a sense of shame, guilt, and conviction that hadn't been there before.
My twin sister had been a Christian for many years by then so I began to talk to her about the things I was learning. I now realize that she was the only real Christian I knew and that God had been preparing her for this time when I would need her help. As we talked more about Jesus and as she patiently answered my questions, she simply shared the Gospel with me and her own personal experience of the love and forgiveness of Jesus in her own life. As I listened to my sister, I became increasingly amazed by Jesus' love for sinners which He demonstrated when He died on the cross. The more I learned about how He came into the world on a mission of death to save sinners, the more my heart was being convicted and aware of my own sins, shame, guilt and need for a Savior. Eventually, the weight of conviction and guilt became too much to live with as I realized that I could no longer continue in the life of sin that had defined me for so long.
I wish I could say things got better for me at that point, but I cannot. Though I was no longer living in sexual sin nor identifying myself as gay, I still wasn't free. I carried an immense weight of guilt and shame, fear and anxiety, and a consuming sense that God was intensely angry with me and resentful towards me because of the shameful things I had done for so many years. I felt lost inside and as if I had no place in the world that I belonged. I knew I couldn't return to a life of sin, but I was too ashamed to move forward with God. No matter how much I read my Bible, prayed and threw myself into self-created acts of atonement, I could never get rid of the shame and guilt which only deepened as I was continued to fall into one sin trap after another.
Desperate for relief I began searching online for support for ex-homosexuals. That's when I came across Setting Captives Free. Without hesitation, I signed up for the Purity course, and after the first lesson, I realized it was exactly what I needed and that the Gospel was what I was missing. The intense focus on the Gospel graciously led my hurting heart to the Cross of Jesus. I became aware that salvation was the reason Jesus came into the world. He came to lift my burden of sin, my burden of guilt, and my load of shame. He came into the world to bear all of it in His own body and to nail His body to the cross just as Hebrews 12:5 says: "Therefore, when Christ came into the world, he said: "Sacrifice and offering you did not desire, but a body you prepared for me."
As each Gospel filled lesson carefully guided me down the road of Calvary to the hill of the Cross, layer after layer of guilt and shame was being lifted. I was gently being made to see that though I had spent my entire life, hating Jesus with my sins, rejecting Him, and encouraging others to do the same; He came into the world and spent His entire life loving me and suffering for me to the point of dying for me on the Cross. Mark 10:45, "For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many." The layers of guilt and shame that were being taken off of me had been laid on Him as He died on the cross. Though my heart was being crushed by each new vision of the Cross, it was being won over at the same time by His love. His love so passionately and clearly demonstrated by the agonizing stripes that were laid across His back, by His blood mingled with sweat and hair from the thorny crown violently thrust onto His head, by the gaping wounds made by the cold metal nails that pierced His hands and feet, and by His tears of compassion and pity that flowed from His eyes. Lamentations 1:12 "Is it nothing to you, all you that pass by? behold, and see if there be any sorrow like unto my sorrow, which is done unto me, wherewith the LORD hath afflicted me in the day of his fierce anger."
In the devastation of Jesus sufferings on the Cross, I found the place that I could finally cast off my burden of guilt and the weight of all my shame. The condemnation that should have been mine was given to Jesus. The cup of Gods wrath was emptied on Him. God's wrath wasn't just His anger towards me because of my sins, but also His rage, fury, annoyance, vexation, irritation, resentment, disappointment and disgrace which was all poured out on Jesus on the Cross. And since Jesus took all God's wrath on the cross, that means there was none left for me. Isaiah 51:22, "This is what your Sovereign LORD says, your God, who defends his people: "See, I have taken out of your hand the cup that made you stagger; from that cup, the goblet of my wrath, you will never drink again." This was so important for me to understand and believe. Knowing that God was not angry with me, that He had no wrath, anger, resentment or disappointment in me anymore was life-changing! And what's even better is that 1 Peter 3:18 tells me that I get God: "For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God". . . This was astonishing love! Stunning love! Staggering love that completely knocked me off my feet.
Such sacrificing and selfless love for this wretched sinner was the freedom that my captive heart needed. The Cross was the key that unlocked the doors and set me free! There are times when fear still creeps up and I worry that I don't measure up. Fear that God is still angry and disappointed in me, but I don't let it linger or take a hold of my mind. I quickly run to Jesus, fall at His feet, and let the Cross remind me that I am free!
Romans 8:1-2 "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, For in Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life has set you free from the law of sin and death." --Kelly, Mentor with Setting Captives Free
Question 2. What does Kelly say about the love of Jesus as shown at the cross of Calvary?
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Amanda writes, "The love of Jesus set Kelly free from the boundage of guilt and shame. It showed her that she was loved even in her sinful state and that Christ suffered immensely and gave His life to prove it."
Christopher writes, "Kelly studied the Word of God and specifically the cross of Jesus on Calvary and she realized that Jesus died for her sins and layer upon layer of guilt and shame went away from her thoughts. She realized that Jesus loved her very much."
Question 3. Our culture teaches that there are some things that we are born with and can't change. How does Kelly's story refute these lies?
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Amanda writes, "Even when Kelly felt as though she had "found her place" in homosexualtiy, she still felt as though something was missing. After coming to Christ, she was still bound by guilt and shame, but the Cross, the Gospel helped her realize that she didn't have to be bound by those things, because Jesus took them all upon Him. We are all born into sin, but Jesus took those upon Him and has set us free from them, when we accept Him."
Christopher writes, "With the power of God, she became straight so this proves that you can be changed with divine Power. Jesus love and ultimate sacrifice changed Kelly's life. His love truly changed her heart and mind."