Lesson 17 Warring Against Our Flesh: Confessing And Prayer
Question 5
Yes, if we conceal our sin, hiding it in the darkness, we will not prosper, flourish, or find freedom. But if we “confess and forsake” then we will obtain mercy.
The Bible does not tell us precisely how we are to confess our sins to one another; it only tells us to do it. We have worked with many people in this area, and we have discovered some helps that pave the way toward restoration as well as some things that hinder.
First, let’s discuss the hindrances. Let’s say the issue is the viewing of pornography or committing adultery or other sexual impurity. Some people have unloaded everything on their wives in one big confession. This is almost like treating your wife as a dumpster and emptying all the trash on her. While you may feel better, she might be left shell-shocked and feeling extremely sad, heartbroken and burdened. This is unkind.
While there is no easy way to confess sins like this, there is a much better way than to vomit out all our sins on those we love. The following are some things that will help if implemented with a good portion of wisdom and with lots of love:
Take some time to pray first, asking God to give you the wisdom as to the timing and place of the confession, as well as the actual words to say. Pray for His leading. Pray for Him to soften the heart of the one(s) to whom you will confess.
Consider discussing this with your pastor, elders, or other Christians that you respect. See if they would encourage you to take someone with you to help mediate during the confession.
During your confession use biblical terminology thereby not minimizing your sin. “I am deeply sorry to have to tell you that I’ve been viewing pornography.” or “I am confessing to you today that I have committed adultery.” Or whatever other sins you need to confess. We don’t want to say “I’ve been watching some dirty movies” or “I had an affair.” These are worldly statements that minimize sin.
Ask for forgiveness. “I’m asking for your forgiveness.” Remember, if we’ve committed physical adultery, our spouse has the option of divorce, though this is not the desired outcome. Divorce in the Scripture is permitted only because of physical adultery (Matthew 19:8-9) or because one party physically deserts the other (1 Corinthians 7:12-15). However, divorce is not necessary for these situations and is not part of God’s original plan for marriage; all believers should hate divorce as God does (Malachi 2:16) and avoid it whenever possible. With God’s help, a marriage can survive the worst sins. Mine has, and I know many other people whose marriages are thriving now despite the sins of one or both marriage partners.
Don’t merely confess the sin; show your spouse what you are doing about it—present the plan that you are following to get and stay free. You might say something like, “I’m very sorry about this. I want you to know I’m thoroughly repenting of this. I want to share my plan with you to help you understand that God is at work and is leading me entirely away from this sin. I’m asking for your help in carrying it out.”
Here are some things that could be helpful in the plan you present to your spouse:
I have shared this with (elder, pastor, another brother or sister in Christ) and have asked them to help keep me accountable. Here is their phone number, email address, etc. which they said I could give to you in case you have any questions.
I have been learning the importance of the gospel and seeing the power of it as I apply it to my life. I understand how Jesus suffered because of my sin and how He died to pay for it. I see now how He rose from the dead, and that God raised me with Him to new life.
I’ve been learning to put to death whatever belongs to my earthly nature: all forms of impurity. So, I’ve become radical in my fight against sin. At this point, share the specific plan God has taught you in His word which you are implementing to find freedom.
I am taking a Bible study at Setting Captives Free and communicating daily with a mentor that they have provided to me. Here is his/her email address. I’ve already asked, and they said you could reach out to them with any questions or thoughts. They want to help us.
At Setting Captives Free, there is a Bible study course for spouses called “A United Front.” It has helped thousands of spouses work through these issues. There are mentors, and you can ask them questions, and they would help you through this difficult time if you would like.
This is just a sample plan but could consider it as a possible template and tailor it according to your own needs and specific situation.
The critical thing is not merely to confess the sin but to also show your repentance by what you are doing about it, thereby providing hope to your spouse that God is bringing about real change.
I can’t stress enough that you need to give hope to your spouse during this difficult time.
Question 5. Where are you in this process currently? Do you have anyone you need to confess to and are you understanding the importance of doing so?
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